Confessions

For a long time now I've been kidding myself into believing into being someone im not. I did so because I felt that everyone else was always 4 steps ahead of me, in some cases it happens but not too often. I been trying to figure out who I am and how I can separate me from everyone else. All along the answer was right in the mirror. TO JUST BE "ME". I took a while to evaluate myself and thought, "What exactly am I trying to hide from people?" "What about me do I have to be ashamed of to justify my "front". I realize that I am who I am and I cannot change that even if I wanted to. I am me for a reason. So things that I want to get off my chest and admit to you.

I love Law & Order (Which anyone who knows me knows for a fact). I love the original. SVU is good I can't deny it, but to watch a show about women getting raped and or killed, or some dude spreading his deadly disease to kill women is quite depressing.

When I listen to my music I always visualize myself performing these songs to screaming fans, visualize dancing like Michael and impress everyone.I sometimes changed the music im listening to when I acknowledge people will be able to listen to the song I am listening to because I felt the song I listened to would be cheesy and I would be made fun of. I enjoy being noticed by people when I'm wearing fresh clothes and sneakers when the weather gets nice.
I love to go shop for fresh gear when I have enough money to spare. It's one of my favorite things. even though its a rare occasion, I still enjoy it. When I'm walking by myself outside going about my business, I really find it annoying when bitches think they belong in some musical group from hell and scream some song they heard. Its fucking annoying. I hate when im purchasing something whether it be from the deli, or restaurant, bums walk up and ask for change. I sympathize but im not made out of money. I super hate it when bums stare at you to see what bill you take out your pocket and after I finish paying they feel the need to get up and ask for change while the money is in my hand and they think I won't say no. No motherfucker I aint giving your junkie ass shit, fuck out my face.
Its something that I can't help. I do try to improve, I don't like looking at people especially if im walking by myself. I have walked passed individuals I know personally and not say anything because I don't pay attention to people's faces directly when I walk (till recently). I am a shy person. I at times don't wanna say or talk to people because naturally I am shy. Even when it comes to talking to pretty girls I am shy. I have my shy times (which is quite often) and I have my confident moments. Summer and winter time are my favorite times of the year. Why because I love the way the sky looks. In the summer, when im home I love to sit next to my window and watch the sunset, and look across into manhattan watching all the lights going on and how beautiful the city looks. I just feel so relaxed and it helps me think. It's my time to myself to think about things I wish I could do and I have time to think about people I care about the most. I love to make comments that sounds stupid or dumb justto hear my friends reactions. It's just hilarious to me. I have never had a serious relationship. To be quite honest I don't Know if im boyfriend material. Within the past I have been shot down by women I dreamed of going out with. I figured it's a sign, not because im not attractive or any type of physical problem, but I believe I am used to being alone. I'm not used to walking slow in the street holding some girl's hand.
Michael Jackson is my absolute favorite artist. I love all his music. I can blast that shit all day. I feel like I been lying to myself because I wasnt able to be me infront of others. I figured I wouldn't be accepted by other peope's standards. But now im living by me and no one else.

A New Experience....iPhone 4

I stated a while back that I was going to give everyone a new post on my recent upgrade from the Motorola Droid to the fairly newly released iPhone 4 under Verizon Wireless. Due to my schedule and tired nights I have been unable to release this post. As everyone well knows, February 10th of this year Verizon Wireless has released their own version of the iPhone 4. I was estatic. I was getting tired of Android. The fun factor for me personally was very low and i wanted to get a new phone. I was about due for one. So that next thursday, I went to purchase the phone and I was Hype!!!. I wish I would've spent the extra 100 bucks for the 32 GB, I like to have alot of Law & Order episodes to watch and unfortunately I got the 16GB so im kinda restricted if you will. I have some pretty cool games I can play when im bored, like "Wheel of Fortune", "Skee Ball" "Backbreaker" etc. I can watch videos better as well as take clearer pics. I love my eyewitness News app I can watch weather in decent clarity. I guess it has something to do with the phone, but I can get good reception and text and sometimes even TALK on the phone while im in the tunnel on the train. tell me that aint awesome. I'm still trying to get used to touch screen keyboard but it's manageable. Overall it is an awesome phone and I would reccomend anyone to get it. Although I reccomend that if you want to use alot of memory for your apps, or tv shows, or movies, etc, you better get the 32GB otherwise your kidding yourself. Hope my review is somewhat helpful to your next choice of a new phone.

Flashback

I look back that night and looked at the alternative things I could've done but apparently like my friend says "you can't fight fate". This was an experience I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemies (if I happen to have any). So it was the day after Christmas and I left work with my colleagues. This particular Sunday after work I had the next day off so I was quite happy that I would be able to sleep late comfortably in my warm house under the covers, or so I thought... We went for our normal stop at the deli on 16Th and 6Th for their coffee and for my Hot Chocolate (extra sweet) which costs a mere $1.25. I went over to my sisters house because not only did I not have any money to eat for dinner that night, she had some left over food from Christmas dinner that she offered to let me eat. I loved the idea and rushed over. I went over and as she opened the door my eyes were glowing and my mouth was watery craving the perfectly seasoned food my sister prepared and cooked the night before and I quickly helped myself to the food. Once I finished eating I washed my hands and decided to go home and sleep. Ironically (I will explain why I used ironically or you can simply draw the obvious inference as u read) my sister gave me a pack of Capri sun juice and a very big bottle of Mango Juice as if I was going camping or something. So we said our see you later and off I went out into the cold windy snowy weather. I decided to take the Brooklyn bound 6 train to 14Th Street-Union Square and catch the Q train to take home. Little did I know of what would be in store for me that night. So I got to union square and the Q was there sitting waiting for the Dispatcher to give the ok to leave the station. In about 2 minutes the doors closed and off the train went. I was quite exhausted after a long day. All I could think about was my bed and how I was going to go in the shower and sleep so comfortably under my blankets. So at about Dekalb Avenue I started to feel sleepy. I figured I just take the nap and before I know it I'll be at Coney Island. So I fall asleep and all of a sudden the train makes a big jerk and I awakened. I look at the time and its 9:40PM and I'm at Cortelyou Road.
The Conductor gave the whole speech "Ladies and Gentlemen, due to the weather we will be held here momentarily, we should be moving shortly and apologize for any inconvenience" believe you me inconvenience was a true understatement as I soon found out. So I'm saying to myself ok, lemme just sleep and by the time I wake up the train will be entering Stillwell and I just take a cab home. So I fall asleep and all of a sudden a fellow passenger hits me with his leg and I assumed he was being"courteous" as odd as that may sound, to wake me up to get me out the train before it goes back out to restart the route. So I say thank you to the man and he just walks out. I look around and I noticed that the same people I. Saw earlier before I fell asleep were still on the train and talking to each other. I found that very odd because in my experience, New Yorkers aren't likely to start a random conversation with each other on the train so openly. So I looked at my phone and it said 11:04PM. I looked outside and saw that I was still at Cortelyou Road. I was so not ready to hear what I would soon be told. The conductor comes out of his little booth which so happened to be in the car I was sitting in, and he stated that the train is stuck and that he called his supervisor and the superintendent and are waiting on their instructions on what to do. I started a very brief convo with this guy who reminded me of my former Literature Professor. So he claimed his battery was running low on his cell and apparently my battery was only at 60% so I wasn't in too much of bad shape. I noticed that I had 3 text messages. One from my sister, one from my mother, and one from my brother all wondering of my whereabouts. As I was texting my response to my mom, it was interrupted by my sister's call. The Conductor also stated a idea which was to take the b44 or w.e. bus it was and take it to wherever you need to go. It was a thought but one the buses run shitty on Sundays, two it was late at night so buses would run slow as fuck,and 3 due to the heavy ass snow, the bus would be even more delayed. So I figure I just chill there with the hopes of the train moving soon. As I was texting my response to my mom, it was interrupted by my sister's call explaining to her the situation and of course she told me to take the bus but I didn't see the logical reasoning, plus the bus probably stopped running because it was Sunday and was so late. So I'm sitting there, and this little girl that was sitting with her Father was crying, bitching and complaining. I understand she's young and doesn't have the mental capacity to remain calm but damn I really wanted to walk up to her and tell her to shut her fucking face. She would not stop her complaining. So I start a convo with the man and he's constantly trying to explain to his daughter that we can't move and gotta wait for an alternative blah blah, and she just doesn't stop complaining or crying. He explained to me that he was in Madison square garden for some parade or something and he was going to drive in the city but knowing how the weather was going to turn out he figured "Mass Transit would be a better solution" how well that turned out....So all of a sudden people started exiting the train and I was wondering why people were so anxious and happy? I was told that there were 2 shuttle buses downstairs to finish the Q train's route. I was so relieved and figured that I would get home after all....and surprise surprise it turned out to be a lie. I was quite disappointed. So I went back upstairs and into the train. A few hours later the heat stopped working. I was so miserable. I couldn't shower or relax in a warm house, I started to experience just a taste of how it must be like to be homeless and stranded. No heat, no protection or comfort, etc. I couldn't listen to my iPod in comfort because it was so cold. I had to take the only shit lol. The MTA workers explained that there is a bathroom downstairs if anyone needed to use it. I can't use a public restroom because I wouldn't be comfortable nor did I want to use a dirty ass bathroom. So I stayed on the train in hopes a resolution would be reached. I fell asleep and to be awakened about 3 hours later by some woman's ranting about how this is cruel unusual and ashame to be constantly lied to by these MTA workers about shuttle buses being sent and it not being true etc. She says lets call the news!!! and I'm saying to myself "Sit your fucking annoying ass down" I quickly ignore the bitch and fall back to sleep. I soon awaken at about 10:15 in the morning cold, hungry, and still needing to take a shit. I finally get up and swallow my pride, I need to fucking use the bathroom!! I went downstairs and asked for the key to the bathroom. After I opened and locked the door and looked around, much to my surprise, this bathroom was fucking........CLEAN!!!??!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. The bathroom was spotless, the tissue was in great quality and there was an outlet. I thought I was in heaven. I had my charger with me so I took advantage of the situation. I took what I like to call "The Greatest shit on earth". My phone was fully charged within an hour and I got to add some juice to my iPod as well. Sadly I was still stranded and the trains were still stuck with no hope of getting out. The MTA attendant in the booth announced that the only trains working were the 2 train to Manhattan, and the F train from Ditmas Avenue to Stillwell Avenue. I asked directions on how to get to Ditmas Avenue from Cortelyou Road. She gave me 2 free rides when I get to the F train god bless her. I got the directions and off on my journey. My gosh I was sooo cold. No choice but to constantly walk through about what I would approximately say a foot of snow. I had to find a way to get warm so I stopped by a deli about 3 blocks down from the train station and I had about 3 cups of Hot Chocolate. The guy was real nice and only charged a buck each instead of 1.50. So I stood there for about an hour and my sister called letting me know her and my brother were on their way to meet me and take me to my grandmother's house where my mother was. I couldn't wait to get in a warm house and eat dinner. So when I got to church Avenue I stopped at a Dunkin Donuts for a large Hot chocolate and to re charge my phone near death. After a hour of comfort and warmth I finally met up with my sis and bro and successfully got to my grandmother's house. I got undressed and showered I was crying and laughing out of happiness as I laid in bed eating pastelles :-). I will never forget this experience as long as I live. Even though there are still some minor details that were left out as hard as that may be to believe given the length and already detailed description of my experience, I didn't see the need to bore anyone reading this any longer with anymore minor details that have any bearing on the matter at hand. I will never forget this experience. Never!

The wrong one

Alright I kind of put myself in a predicament. Nothing serious, its just baffling that my eyes weren't open to this conclusion before. I can't believe I didn't see this before. I guess because my eyes were covered with veils. Damn I wish I can go into further detail. All I can say is that I'm conflicted. Ok the best way I can explain it is, I went after the wrong girl and now that i realized the woman I should've gone after, it would cause too much controversy if I tried to get with her, if not controversy then problems and much unnecessary frustration. Don't know what to do......Damn....

Cold Part 1.

Well so far this year is going pretty well. Been working at my job for the past month and 11 days and gotta say it isn't as bad as i thought it would be. I'm fitting in quite well. I wish things were as great on the home front. I wish things were back to normal. Well I guess it is true that change is constant. I actually have cable Internet and my house phone back after it was shut off on the third of January.. So far I learned quite a few things. number one, alot of people are two-faced. I never seen it so much before. But hey what else is new...School starts on Friday and I can't wait. Ever since last semester ended I felt good about myself. I averaged a 3.0 last semester. my best semester thus far. But I looked at my Book list and my gosh i wanna fucking cry. Yo like all my books are gonna cost close to 600 bucks. I have to save up mucho now. I guess that's the consequence of taking 5 classes. On the road to finding a woman worth trying to get with there is none as of now. Besides I don't think I would even have the time to..With work, school, and studying Then I would make an exception. Oh well no big deal. patience is the key. good things come to those who wait so I'm gonna do just that. School starts this Friday and looking forward to it. Last semester ended so well I'm more motivated to do even better and try to get my average even higher then before. I wonder what the semester will bring for me? I know it may not be much, but lately I been working out building my muscle and stuff. doing sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, etc. It feels good no lie. I feel a little difference in my arm strength. It hasn't completely changed don't get me wrong, but better. So I'm gonna do little by little everyday and when school comes back,
I plan to go to the Gym and use the treadmill 3 times a week. Of course the first week, it's going be hard. So I figure I do 10 minutes the first day. and try to beat the score every time. When I get good and able, I will try to accomplish 30 mins of cardio on the treadmill 3 times a week. I think it would be a good step to improving my body. I am in my happiest mood ever. I just feel so damn good. I don't know why I'm just feeling overwhelmed with positivity which I am not complaining about not one bit. I can't wait to see what happens.

2011: "Time For a Change" ?? Or is that just every new year's slogan?

Happy new Year to all. I hope everyone had an enjoyable new start to 2011. One thing that I find popular around every start of the new year is how people vow to change their outlook on life, "leave the bullshit behind", My personal favorite "Lose weight". But I find that many people don't live up to their New Years promise. I should know, because I'm one of those people. For the past 4 years or so I have vowed to lose weight and get in shape. Even though I did in fact go to the gym and exercise, I eventually would stop going and my laziness becomes my kryptonite. I did not vow to lose weight this year. This year my vow is to maintain my position at my new employment job and save up money for my well-being and economic security. I am not going to vow to go to the gym and lose weight and get in shape because simply I have made that same empty promise the past 4 years. This doesn't mean that I am abandoning the idea. I believe that I went to the gym not to satisfy myself but to live up to expectations of other people. I do not want to go to the gym to satisfy other people. That's not a reason a person should use to defend their purpose of losing weight or to go to the gym. So no one misunderstands my statement, I PLAN on going to the gym to workout and lose weight. When I am good and ready to join BALLYS or continue to use the gym facility at my school, I will. I will do it in my own time and at my own pace.
I know this is going to pop up soon or later so I'm going to address this now. At this point in time in my life, I am concerned with my own well being. I am currently single at this time and I can't complain. I am happy with the way things are going for me now. I am interested in one person in particular, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at the moment. I been single for about a year now and I can't lie I do get lonely. I wish I could share my happiness with a special someone. But I believe good things come to those who wait. So I'll be waiting. I think 2011 is going to be a good year for me. I'm growing up to become a mature and responsible adult. I wonder what good god has in store for me? I guess I will just have to wait and find out. Good luck to all and I hope everyone will have a blessed and safe new year.