Confessions

For a long time now I've been kidding myself into believing into being someone im not. I did so because I felt that everyone else was always 4 steps ahead of me, in some cases it happens but not too often. I been trying to figure out who I am and how I can separate me from everyone else. All along the answer was right in the mirror. TO JUST BE "ME". I took a while to evaluate myself and thought, "What exactly am I trying to hide from people?" "What about me do I have to be ashamed of to justify my "front". I realize that I am who I am and I cannot change that even if I wanted to. I am me for a reason. So things that I want to get off my chest and admit to you.

I love Law & Order (Which anyone who knows me knows for a fact). I love the original. SVU is good I can't deny it, but to watch a show about women getting raped and or killed, or some dude spreading his deadly disease to kill women is quite depressing.

When I listen to my music I always visualize myself performing these songs to screaming fans, visualize dancing like Michael and impress everyone.I sometimes changed the music im listening to when I acknowledge people will be able to listen to the song I am listening to because I felt the song I listened to would be cheesy and I would be made fun of. I enjoy being noticed by people when I'm wearing fresh clothes and sneakers when the weather gets nice.
I love to go shop for fresh gear when I have enough money to spare. It's one of my favorite things. even though its a rare occasion, I still enjoy it. When I'm walking by myself outside going about my business, I really find it annoying when bitches think they belong in some musical group from hell and scream some song they heard. Its fucking annoying. I hate when im purchasing something whether it be from the deli, or restaurant, bums walk up and ask for change. I sympathize but im not made out of money. I super hate it when bums stare at you to see what bill you take out your pocket and after I finish paying they feel the need to get up and ask for change while the money is in my hand and they think I won't say no. No motherfucker I aint giving your junkie ass shit, fuck out my face.
Its something that I can't help. I do try to improve, I don't like looking at people especially if im walking by myself. I have walked passed individuals I know personally and not say anything because I don't pay attention to people's faces directly when I walk (till recently). I am a shy person. I at times don't wanna say or talk to people because naturally I am shy. Even when it comes to talking to pretty girls I am shy. I have my shy times (which is quite often) and I have my confident moments. Summer and winter time are my favorite times of the year. Why because I love the way the sky looks. In the summer, when im home I love to sit next to my window and watch the sunset, and look across into manhattan watching all the lights going on and how beautiful the city looks. I just feel so relaxed and it helps me think. It's my time to myself to think about things I wish I could do and I have time to think about people I care about the most. I love to make comments that sounds stupid or dumb justto hear my friends reactions. It's just hilarious to me. I have never had a serious relationship. To be quite honest I don't Know if im boyfriend material. Within the past I have been shot down by women I dreamed of going out with. I figured it's a sign, not because im not attractive or any type of physical problem, but I believe I am used to being alone. I'm not used to walking slow in the street holding some girl's hand.
Michael Jackson is my absolute favorite artist. I love all his music. I can blast that shit all day. I feel like I been lying to myself because I wasnt able to be me infront of others. I figured I wouldn't be accepted by other peope's standards. But now im living by me and no one else.